When You're Not the "Primary Parent": How Therapy Helps the Non-Primary Caregiver Adjust to Parenthood
When You're Not the "Primary Parent": How Therapy Helps the Non-Primary Caregiver Adjust to Parenthood
Meta Description: Feeling secondary as a new parent? DC therapist explores challenges for non-primary caregivers—fathers, non-biological parents, non-nursing partners—and how therapy helps you bond, cope with depression, and thrive in your parenting role.
The Hidden Struggle: When Your Partner Is the "Primary Parent"
Becoming a parent is one of life's most profound experiences—simultaneously exciting, rewarding, overwhelming, and at times, deeply disorienting. But if you're the parent who isn't doing most of the feeding, isn't the one who seems to soothe the baby most effectively, or isn't the biological or gestational parent, you may be experiencing a unique form of early parenthood that's rarely discussed:
Feeling like the "secondary" parent.
Whether you're a father in a heterosexual relationship, a non-biological dad in a gay male couple, a non-nursing mom in a lesbian partnership, or an adoptive parent joining your partner who has an established bond—the experience of being the "non-primary caregiver" comes with specific challenges that deserve attention and support.
This blog explores:
Why one parent often becomes the "primary attachment figure" in early parenthood
The emotional challenges of feeling secondary or less essential
How to build your unique bond with your child
Depression and anxiety in non-primary caregivers
How therapy can help you thrive in your parenting role
Understanding "Primary" vs. "Non-Primary" Caregiving Roles
What We Mean by "Primary Caregiver"
In the early weeks and months of a baby's life, there's often one parent who emerges as the primary attachment figure—the person the baby seems most soothed by, most connected to, or most dependent on. This typically happens because:
For biological/birth parents:
Pregnancy created nine months of physical connection
Hormonal changes (oxytocin, prolactin) facilitate bonding
Breastfeeding or chestfeeding creates frequent, intimate contact
The baby may be more familiar with their voice, heartbeat, smell
For adoptive families:
One parent may have spent more time with the child during placement
Trauma-informed care may require one primary caregiver initially for attachment security
One partner may have taken more parental leave
For all families:
One parent typically takes primary parental leave
Feeding schedules (whether nursing or bottle) often center around one parent
One partner may have more intuitive caregiving confidence early on
Practical circumstances (work schedules, lactation) create natural asymmetry
This dynamic is normal and often necessary in early infancy. Babies need consistent, responsive caregiving to develop secure attachment. The challenge is that this necessary asymmetry can leave the non-primary parent feeling:
Excluded from the intense bonding happening between baby and primary caregiver
Unsure of their role or importance
Incompetent or "all thumbs" at caregiving
Resentful of being secondary
Guilty for having these feelings
Anxious about their relationship with both baby and partner
Depressed about the loss of their previous life and identity
The Emotional Landscape: What Non-Primary Parents Experience
1. Feeling Invisible or Secondary
What it looks like:
Your partner instinctively reaches for the baby when they cry
Family members hand the baby to your partner, not you
People ask "How is [partner] doing?" but don't ask about you
Your attempts to soothe the baby seem less effective
You feel like a helper or assistant rather than an equal parent
From a Self Psychology perspective: This experience can feel like a narcissistic injury—a fundamental threat to your sense of being valued, needed, and important. Humans have a core need to feel that we matter, that we have a unique role, that we're irreplaceable to those we love. When a baby consistently prefers your partner, it can activate deep fears of inadequacy.
For different family structures:
Gay male couples (non-biological dad): If your partner is the biological father through surrogacy, you may struggle with:
Not having a genetic connection while your partner does
Society questioning your "real" parent status
Feeling less legitimate or essential
Your partner having been involved in the surrogacy process longer
Lesbian couples (non-gestational mom): If your partner carried and birthed the baby:
She has a hormonal and physical bond you don't share
If she's nursing, she has constant intimate contact
Her body went through profound changes while yours didn't
Family may subtly (or not so subtly) treat her as the "real" mom
Heterosexual couples (fathers): Traditional gender roles may compound your experience:
Society assumes mothers are naturally better at infant care
Your partner may receive all the parenting advice and support
You may lack paternal role models who were actively involved
Workplace may not offer adequate paternity leave, preventing bonding time
Adoptive families: The parent who spent less time in the pre-placement process may feel:
Like you're playing "catch-up" in bonding
Uncertain about your role in the child's trauma history
Secondary to your partner's established connection
2. Feeling Judged or Incompetent
What it looks like:
Your partner corrects how you hold, change, or feed the baby
You feel criticized for doing things differently than they would
You second-guess yourself constantly
You avoid caregiving tasks to prevent feeling incompetent
Your confidence erodes with each perceived failure
Object Relations insight: We all carry internalized relational templates from our own childhoods. If you were raised by a critical parent, your partner's gentle corrections may activate old shame about never being "good enough." If you lacked nurturing parental figures, you may genuinely feel uncertain about how to provide care because you lack internal models.
The competence-confidence cycle:
Baby cries; you try to soothe them
Baby continues crying; you feel anxious and incompetent
Your partner takes over and soothes the baby successfully
You feel both relieved and inadequate
Next time baby cries, you're less confident, so you're less effective
The cycle reinforces itself
For LGBTQ+ parents: This dynamic may be intensified by:
Internalized homophobia: "Maybe we're not meant to be parents"
Perfectionism: Feeling pressure to prove LGBTQ+ parents are just as good
Lack of models: Fewer examples of how to share parenting between same-sex partners
Societal judgment: Hyperawareness that others are watching and judging
3. Relationship Strain with Your Partner
What it looks like:
Resentment building toward your partner for "taking over" caregiving
Your partner resenting you for "not helping enough"
Sexual and emotional intimacy declining
Conflicts about parenting approaches
Feeling like co-parents but not romantic partners
Jealousy of the bond between baby and your partner
Common patterns:
The "overwhelmed primary/disengaged secondary" dynamic: Primary parent feels exhausted and resentful that they're doing everything; secondary parent feels excluded and criticized so pulls back further
The "gatekeeping" dynamic: Primary parent (often unconsciously) maintains control over baby care, inadvertently preventing secondary parent from developing competence and confidence
The "work escape" dynamic: Secondary parent (often the one who returns to work earlier) may unconsciously use work as escape from feeling incompetent at home
Shame resilience (Brené Brown): Both partners may be experiencing shame but unable to voice it:
Primary parent may feel shame about not being more grateful or patient
Secondary parent may feel shame about not being a "natural" caregiver
Both may feel shame about relationship struggles: "We should be happier"
When shame goes unspoken, it emerges as resentment, criticism, or withdrawal.
4. Identity Crisis and Loss
What it looks like:
Grieving your previous life, spontaneity, freedom
Feeling like you've lost yourself
Anxiety about increased responsibility
Uncertainty about your role in the family
Missing your hobbies, social life, sense of purpose
Questioning whether you made the right choice
Developmental perspective: Becoming a parent is a major identity transition. Erik Erikson called it "generativity vs. stagnation"—successfully generating and nurturing the next generation or feeling stuck and unfulfilled. For the non-primary parent, this transition can feel especially difficult because:
Your role isn't clearly defined yet
You lack the intense bonding experiences that help primary parents feel connected
You may be returning to work before establishing a strong parental identity
Society may not affirm or recognize your parental role (especially for LGBTQ+ parents)
For gay and bisexual men: Additional layers may include:
Lack of paternal role models (if your own father was distant or absent)
Societal messaging that men aren't nurturing caregivers
Pressure to be the "provider" rather than caregiver
Navigating what masculinity means in the context of nurturing an infant
5. Depression and Anxiety
What it looks like:
Persistent sadness, emptiness, or hopelessness
Intense anxiety or worry (about baby's health, your competence, finances)
Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed
Changes in appetite or sleep (beyond normal newborn disruption)
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
Irritability, anger, or rage
Thoughts of harming yourself or the baby
Feeling disconnected or numb
The reality of parental depression:
While postpartum depression in birthing parents gets significant attention, paternal/parental postpartum depression affects approximately 10-15% of new fathers and non-birthing parents—though it's significantly underdiagnosed because:
Men and non-birthing parents are less likely to be screened
Symptoms may manifest differently (irritability, anger, substance use rather than sadness)
Stigma prevents people from seeking help
Healthcare systems focus primarily on the birthing parent
Risk factors for non-primary parent depression:
History of depression or anxiety
Lack of social support
Financial stress
Relationship conflict
Feeling excluded from caregiving
Sleep deprivation
For LGBTQ+ parents: minority stress, lack of affirming support, family rejection
From a neurobiological perspective: Sleep deprivation, stress hormones (cortisol), and dramatic life changes all impact brain function. The prefrontal cortex (emotional regulation, decision-making) becomes impaired while the amygdala (threat detection) becomes hyperactive—creating a perfect storm for depression and anxiety.
"It's All About the Primary Parent": Why Support Feels Unequal
One of the most painful aspects of being the non-primary caregiver is the feeling that everyone's attention, concern, and support goes to your partner.
Why This Happens
For birthing parents:
Physical recovery from pregnancy and childbirth requires significant support
Hormonal changes create vulnerability to postpartum depression
Breastfeeding/chestfeeding is demanding and requires support
Medical appointments focus on their health
Cultural expectations:
Society assumes mothers need support; fathers are supposed to be "strong"
People ask "How is she doing?" but don't think to ask about the non-birthing parent
Family members focus attention on grandchild and birthing parent
Parenting advice, resources, and support groups are often designed for primary caregivers
The Impact on You
You may be feeling:
Invisible or unimportant
Guilty for wanting attention when your partner "has it harder"
Resentful that your needs are ignored
Alone in your struggle
Like you can't voice these feelings without seeming selfish
This is valid. Yes, the primary caregiver may have unique physical and emotional demands—but that doesn't mean your experience isn't difficult or that you don't deserve support. Both parents need affirmation, guidance, and reassurance as they navigate this profound transition.
Therapy provides:
A space where YOUR experience is centered and validated
Permission to voice feelings that seem "selfish" or "ungrateful"
Tools for communicating your needs to your partner
Strategies for building your parental confidence and bond with your child
Assessment and treatment for depression or anxiety
Building Your Bond: It Takes Time (And That's Okay)
One of the most important things to understand is: The bond between parent and child develops over time, and different parents bond in different ways.
Why Early Bonding May Feel Harder for You
Attachment theory (John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth): Infants develop attachment to consistent, responsive caregivers. In early infancy, babies form a primary attachment to whoever provides most of their care—usually the person feeding them.
This doesn't mean:
You're less important
Your bond is less valuable
You're not a "real" parent
Your child won't attach to you
This does mean:
Early bonding may require more intentional effort from you
Your bonding timeline may be different than your partner's
You may need to create specific opportunities for one-on-one time
Your unique way of connecting with your child will emerge
How to Build Your Unique Bond
1. Find YOUR caregiving niche:
Bath time parent
The one who takes baby for walks or wears them
The one who does bedtime routine
The one who plays and engages when baby is alert
The one who handles doctor appointments
Whatever works for YOUR relationship with YOUR child
2. Skin-to-skin contact:
Hold your baby against your bare chest regularly
This releases oxytocin (bonding hormone) for both of you
Particularly important for non-birthing parents
3. Bottle feeding (even if partner is nursing):
If your partner is breastfeeding, they can pump so you can do some feedings
This creates intimate, one-on-one bonding time
Your baby learns to find comfort with you
4. Be present during caregiving:
When you change diapers, talk to your baby, make eye contact, be playful
These mundane moments build connection
Quality matters more than quantity
5. Take solo time with your baby:
Your partner leaves the house so you're forced to figure it out
Your baby learns you're capable of meeting their needs
You build confidence without your partner's (helpful but undermining) presence
6. Trust YOUR instincts:
There are many right ways to soothe a baby
Your way doesn't have to match your partner's way
Your baby will learn different people offer different forms of comfort
7. Be patient with yourself and the process:
For many non-primary parents, the real bonding happens around 3-6 months when baby becomes more interactive
Your bond will deepen as your child grows and your role becomes clearer
Some parents don't feel "bonded" until months or even a year in—and that's okay
Self-compassion (Kristin Neff): Treat yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a friend. If bonding feels slow or difficult, that doesn't mean you're failing—it means you're human. Practice self-compassion rather than self-criticism.
Depression in Non-Primary Parents: You're Not Alone
Recognizing the Signs
Emotional symptoms:
Persistent sadness, emptiness, or feeling numb
Irritability, anger, or rage (often underrecognized as depression in men)
Anxiety, worry, or panic attacks
Feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope
Crying frequently or inability to cry
Feeling disconnected from your baby
Feeling trapped or wanting to escape
Physical symptoms:
Changes in appetite (eating much more or much less)
Sleep disturbances beyond normal newborn disruption
Fatigue and lack of energy
Physical aches and pains
Headaches or digestive issues
Behavioral symptoms:
Loss of interest in hobbies, work, or activities you once enjoyed
Withdrawing from friends and family
Avoiding time with your baby
Increased alcohol or substance use
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
Angry outbursts or increased conflict
Thoughts:
"I'm a terrible parent"
"My baby would be better off without me"
"I made a huge mistake"
"I don't feel anything for my baby"
"I want to run away"
In severe cases: thoughts of harming yourself or the baby
Why It Happens
Multiple factors contribute:
Biological:
Sleep deprivation impairs emotional regulation
Stress hormones (cortisol) remain elevated
For some men: testosterone levels drop after becoming a father
Disrupted circadian rhythms affect mood
Psychological:
Identity crisis and role confusion
Loss of previous life and freedom
Feeling incompetent or inadequate
Unresolved childhood trauma activated by parenting
Anxiety about responsibility and finances
Social:
Lack of support or social connection
Relationship strain with partner
Isolation from friends and previous social life
For LGBTQ+ parents: minority stress, lack of affirming community, family rejection
Relational:
Feeling excluded from baby-parent bonding
Conflicts with partner about parenting
Loss of intimacy in couple relationship
Resentment and unspoken needs
Getting Help: What Works
Depression is highly treatable. Evidence-based approaches include:
1. Individual therapy:
Psychodynamic therapy: Exploring how your own childhood experiences are influencing your current parenting and identity
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Identifying and changing unhelpful thought patterns
Interpersonal therapy: Addressing relationship conflicts and social support
Shame resilience work: Processing feelings of inadequacy and failure
2. Couples therapy:
Improving communication with your partner
Addressing resentment and conflict
Creating more equitable caregiving arrangements
Rebuilding intimacy and connection
3. Medication:
Antidepressants can be very effective when therapy alone isn't sufficient
Particularly helpful when depression is moderate to severe
Work with a psychiatrist experienced in perinatal mental health
4. Lifestyle interventions:
Prioritizing sleep (even if it means shifts with your partner)
Physical exercise (proven to reduce depression)
Social connection (reaching out to friends, joining parent groups)
Sunlight and time outdoors
Reducing alcohol (which worsens depression)
5. Support groups:
Connecting with other non-primary parents
LGBTQ+ parent groups (if applicable)
Men's mental health groups
Online communities when in-person isn't accessible
Crisis resources: If you're having thoughts of harming yourself or your baby:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
Postpartum Support International Helpline: 1-800-944-4773
The Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ crisis support): 1-866-488-7386
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
Go to your nearest emergency room
How Therapy Specifically Helps Non-Primary Parents
At District Counseling and Psychotherapy, we work with non-primary parents—fathers, non-biological dads, non-nursing moms, adoptive parents—to navigate this challenging transition. Here's how therapy can help:
1. Validation and Normalization
What we provide:
A space where your experience is centered and taken seriously
Reassurance that your feelings (even the "bad" ones) are normal and valid
Permission to voice thoughts you fear are selfish or wrong
Understanding that being the non-primary parent has unique challenges
Why it matters: Many non-primary parents suffer in silence, believing their struggles aren't legitimate because "my partner has it harder." Therapy validates that your experience is real and deserving of attention.
2. Processing Grief and Identity Change
What we explore:
Grieving the loss of your pre-parenthood life and identity
Making sense of who you are now as a parent
Integrating your previous self with your parental self
Understanding how your own childhood experiences influence your current parenting
Psychodynamic approach: We explore the unconscious fears, longings, and relational patterns that are being activated by parenthood. Often, becoming a parent brings up unresolved feelings about our own parents and how we were (or weren't) cared for.
3. Building Confidence and Competence
Skills we develop:
Trusting your own parenting instincts
Finding your unique caregiving style
Tolerating your baby's distress without panic
Communicating effectively with your partner about division of labor
Setting boundaries with family members
Advocating for your role as an equal parent
Behavioral interventions: We use practical, evidence-based strategies to help you feel more confident in your caregiving abilities.
4. Addressing Depression and Anxiety
What we treat:
Screening and assessment for postpartum depression and anxiety
Processing feelings of inadequacy, failure, or disconnection
Developing coping strategies for overwhelming emotions
Medication referrals when appropriate
Safety planning if you're experiencing intrusive thoughts
Evidence-based treatments: We use CBT, psychodynamic therapy, interpersonal therapy, and shame resilience work to address depression and anxiety.
5. Improving Your Couple Relationship
What we address:
Communication breakdowns and conflict patterns
Resentment and unspoken needs
Intimacy and connection
Equitable division of labor
Navigating gatekeeping dynamics
Rebuilding your identity as a couple, not just co-parents
Couples therapy: When appropriate, we offer couples therapy specifically focused on the transition to parenthood.
6. LGBTQ+-Specific Support
For gay, bisexual, and queer parents:
Navigating heteronormative parenting systems
Processing minority stress and its impact on parenting
Addressing internalized homophobia or biphobia that surfaces in parenting
Managing family acceptance issues
Finding LGBTQ+-affirming parenting resources and community
Legal and systemic challenges unique to LGBTQ+ families
Our therapists understand: The intersection of LGBTQ+ identity and parenthood creates unique stressors that require specialized, affirming support.
When to Seek Help
Many parents benefit from therapy during the transition to parenthood—even before problems become severe. Consider reaching out if:
✅ You're experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety ✅ You feel disconnected from your baby ✅ You're struggling to bond or feel love for your child ✅ Your relationship with your partner is strained ✅ You feel overwhelmed, trapped, or want to escape ✅ You're having intrusive thoughts about harming yourself or the baby ✅ You feel isolated, alone, or unsupported ✅ You want proactive support navigating this transition
Remember: Seeking help isn't a sign of weakness or failure—it's a sign of strength and commitment to being the best parent you can be.
What to Expect in Therapy at District Counseling and Psychotherapy
Our Approach
We provide secure, convenient virtual therapy sessions to clients throughout Washington DC, Northern Virginia, and Maryland. Our therapists specialize in:
LGBTQ+-affirming therapy: We understand the unique challenges gay, bisexual, and queer parents face
Perinatal mental health: Specialized training in depression, anxiety, and adjustment during the transition to parenthood
Depth-oriented work: Using psychodynamic therapy, Self Psychology, and Object Relations Theory to explore how your own developmental history influences your parenting
Evidence-based interventions: CBT, interpersonal therapy, and trauma-informed care
Shame resilience (Brené Brown): Addressing the shame that prevents authentic connection and self-compassion
Self-compassion (Kristin Neff): Learning to treat yourself with kindness during this difficult transition
Initial Sessions
In your first sessions, we'll:
Conduct a comprehensive assessment of your symptoms, history, and current stressors
Screen for depression and anxiety
Explore your relationship with your baby and partner
Understand your own childhood experiences and family of origin
Identify your goals for therapy
Develop a treatment plan tailored to your needs
Ongoing Treatment
Therapy typically involves:
Weekly or biweekly sessions (50 minutes)
Exploration of thoughts, feelings, and experiences
Development of practical coping strategies
Processing of childhood experiences that are being activated
Skill-building for confidence, communication, and emotional regulation
Coordination with couples therapy if needed
Collaboration with psychiatry for medication if appropriate
For LGBTQ+ Parents
We provide specialized support for:
Gay male couples navigating surrogacy and fatherhood
Lesbian couples addressing nursing/non-nursing parent dynamics
Bisexual parents dealing with visibility and erasure
Trans and non-binary parents
Adoptive LGBTQ+ parents
Single LGBTQ+ parents
Our therapists understand that LGBTQ+ parents face additional layers of stress—from heteronormative systems to family acceptance issues to internalized stigma—and provide affirming, knowledgeable care.
A Message of Hope
If you're struggling as a non-primary parent, you're not alone—and it doesn't have to stay this way.
The early months are often the hardest. As your baby becomes more interactive, as you find your unique caregiving role, as you build confidence and competence—the bond deepens and parenting becomes more rewarding.
Many non-primary parents report:
Feeling closer to their child around 3-6 months when baby smiles, laughs, and engages
Finding their stride by the first birthday
Developing unique, special relationships with their children that are different from (but just as valuable as) the primary parent's bond
Growing as individuals and as partners through this challenging transition
Research shows: Fathers and non-primary parents who are actively involved in infant care have:
Stronger attachment bonds with their children
Children with better cognitive and emotional development
More satisfying couple relationships
Lower rates of depression and anxiety
Your presence matters. Your role matters. Your bond with your child matters—even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
With support, you can thrive as a parent. Therapy provides the space, tools, and affirmation you need to process this transition, build confidence, address depression or anxiety, and create the parenting experience you want.
Ready to Get Support?
At District Counseling and Psychotherapy, we specialize in helping non-primary parents—fathers, non-biological dads, non-nursing moms, adoptive parents—navigate the transition to parenthood with confidence and connection.
We understand:
The unique challenges of being the "secondary" parent
How to build your bond when it doesn't come naturally
How to address depression and anxiety in new parents
The intersection of LGBTQ+ identity and parenthood
How your own childhood shapes your parenting
We provide:
Individual therapy for adjustment, depression, and anxiety
Couples therapy for navigating parenthood together
LGBTQ+-affirming, sex-positive care
Psychodynamic, interpersonal, and CBT approaches
Integration of shame resilience and self-compassion frameworks
Secure virtual sessions with flexible scheduling
Don't wait until you're in crisis. Early intervention makes a significant difference in your experience of parenthood and your long-term mental health.
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation: Call 202-641-5335 or complete our contact form
Convenient virtual sessions serving Washington DC, Northern Virginia, and Maryland. Evening and weekend appointments available.
Additional Resources
Perinatal Mental Health:
Postpartum Support International: 1-800-944-4773 - Support for ALL new parents experiencing depression or anxiety
Dad's Mental Health: Resources specifically for fathers
LGBTQ+ Parent Support:
Family Equality - Resources and support for LGBTQ+ families
COLAGE - Support for children with LGBTQ+ parents
DC Center for the LGBT Community - Local resources and support groups
Crisis Support:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
The Trevor Project (LGBTQ+): 1-866-488-7386
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
Related Blog Posts:
Keywords: paternal postpartum depression, non-primary parent, father therapy DC, gay dads mental health, new parent depression, LGBTQ parent support, adjustment to fatherhood, parental bonding, couples therapy new parents, postpartum anxiety men, District Counseling and Psychotherapy, virtual therapy DMV
Written by the clinicians at District Counseling and Psychotherapy, specialists in LGBTQ+-affirming psychotherapy, couples counseling, perinatal mental health, and psychedelic integration therapy. Providing secure virtual sessions to clients throughout Washington DC, Northern Virginia, and Maryland.
