The Pigeon Coop: How Childhood Shame and Unwanted Identities Shape Gay Men's Lives
The Pigeon Coop: How Childhood Shame and Unwanted Identities Shape Gay Men's Lives
Meta Description: A powerful story about childhood trauma, internalized homophobia, and rage in gay men. Expert DC therapist explores unwanted identities, shame resilience, and healing from developmental trauma.
Understanding Unwanted Identities: A Story of Shame, Rage, and Redemption
This is Joey's story—but it's also the story of countless gay and bisexual men who grew up feeling different, targeted, and fundamentally wrong. It's a story about what happens when a child's authentic self is met with cruelty instead of compassion, and how the shame and rage from those early years can linger decades later.
If you recognize yourself in Joey's experience, know that you're not alone—and that healing is possible.
Joey's Story: Growing Up "Different" in the Deep South
Joey was seven years old, living in the Deep South with his parents and several sisters. From his earliest memories, Joey knew he was different from the other boys—and so did everyone around him.
The Daily Torture of Being Called a "Sissy"
The neighborhood boys tortured him relentlessly. At school, on the playground, walking home—they were always there with their taunts: "sissy," "mama's boy," "faggot." The other boys were rough, loud, and physical. They scared Joey. He was short, skinny, and not athletic. When forced to play sports, he was always picked last.
Deep down, Joey felt different from the other boys. He was ashamed of being called a sissy. He felt like he didn't belong, and the teasing just reinforced this painful reality. At school, he gravitated toward some of the girls in his class—which only made things worse with the boys.
When Your Own Family Joins the Attack
The cruelty wasn't limited to school. Even Joey's family gave him a hard time about being different. At family gatherings, his older cousins and uncles would tease him. Just like the neighborhood kids, they called him a sissy.
Every time Joey heard that word, it was like being stabbed in the gut. He could literally feel it—a knife plunged into his stomach, twisting. That sensation stayed with him all through his childhood.
Even his grandmother—someone who should have been a source of unconditional love—made fun of him for "not being enough of a boy." She would comment on how sensitive he was. She even told him he should have been born a girl, and his tomboy sister should have been born a boy.
Sometimes, Joey thought life might be easier if he were a girl. Even he believed he was a sissy.
Finding Refuge in an Imaginary World
Joey preferred playing with his sisters' toys, especially their Barbie dolls. Not that his sisters always welcomed him—they would only put up with him for so long. While they liked to have the Barbies play dress-up or get married, Joey created different scenarios. He pretended the dolls were in burning houses or car accidents. He liked pretending they were dying so he could swoop in and save them.
Joey liked to pretend to be a hero. It allowed him to exist in an imaginary world where he fit in, where he was powerful, where he was enough.
Unlike all the men in his family, he didn't like to hunt or fish. He didn't like watching football or playing sports. The only two things he was good at were swimming and skateboarding—and he never got the chance to do either. There were no local swim teams, and his mom said he was too "fragile" to skateboard.
The Pigeon Coop: A Place of Refuge and Reckoning
Thankfully, Joey lived just a couple of blocks from his grandparents and could visit them all the time. He loved spending time with his grandfather, even though Paw Paw made fun of his "skinny arms" and joked that Joey had no muscles. His granddad would sneak him candy and other treats.
But the real treasure was the pigeon coop.
The Promise of Belonging
Joey's grandfather raised pigeons—some were homing pigeons, some he raised for food. The idea that you could attach a note to a homing pigeon and have it fly miles away to deliver it fascinated Joey. He thought that one day he would raise his own pigeons. Boy, would he be cool then. He could tell everyone about his pigeons and finally fit in with the other boys. Finally, he'd be doing a "man" thing.
All summer long, Joey visited that pigeon coop. He watched as a pigeon egg hatched, revealing a squab nesting with its mother—a beautiful white hen. All the other pigeons were blue and gray.
"What color will the baby pigeon be?" Joey asked.
"Probably white with blue tips," his grandfather replied.
"Can he be mine?" Joey asked eagerly.
His grandfather smiled. "Yes! He will be your pigeon, Joey."
Joey was ecstatic. He imagined how jealous his sisters would be. The neighborhood boys would envy him. He would finally be doing something that proved he was a man.
The Moment Everything Changed
Joey's pigeon grew fast. Unlike the other pigeons, his bird would let him hold it. He loved when the bird rested on his arm. It was white with blue tips, just like his grandfather predicted—beautiful and unique, just like Joey felt inside.
One day, while his pigeon was perched on his shoulder, Joey saw a commotion out of the corner of his eye. When he turned his head, he saw his grandfather doing something violent to one of the pigeons.
"What are you doing, Paw Paw?"
"I'm getting it ready for a meal," his grandfather said matter-of-factly.
"Huh?"
"That's what you do when you want to eat the pigeons. You have to kill them. You ring their necks."
His grandfather wrung the pigeon's neck. Just like that, it was dead.
Joey was horrified. His grandfather saw the look on his face and laughed.
"Don't worry… only men do this… not little boys like you."
When Shame Transforms into Rage
The next thing Joey knew, he saw red.
The word "sissy" exploded in his mind. He was angrier than he could ever remember being. Without thinking—without choosing—he grabbed his beloved pigeon by the head and started twisting.
As he twisted the little bird's neck, images flooded his mind: all those boys calling him sissy, his sisters and their Barbie dolls, his family's mockery, his grandmother's cruel words. He thought, "Oh yeah? I'll show you what these scrawny arms can do."
He felt the bird's wings thrashing, scratching his arms. He felt its claws rip into his thighs. And for the first time in his young life, he felt powerful. He felt in control. He felt like a man.
"Joey!" his grandfather called out.
Joey looked at his grandfather. His grandfather stared back. The bird stopped moving. Its lifeless body hung from Joey's hand.
"Give me the pigeon," his grandfather said quietly.
"Let's get out of here. The pigeons are too stirred up."
Joey handed over his dead pigeon—the bird he had loved, the bird that was supposed to make him belong—and trailed behind his grandfather, looking down at the ground.
"What have I done?"
In 30 seconds, Joey's life went from sunny to dark.
The Silence That Followed
His grandfather never said a word about what happened in the pigeon coop that day. Joey tried to block it from his memory. Paw Paw died a year later, and the pigeon coop died with him.
The teasing continued until about middle school. Joey somehow went on to make friends in high school and graduate with honors. But still, the memory of that day haunted him—the lifeless pigeon in his hand, the rage that had consumed him, the horror of what he was capable of.
Understanding Unwanted Identities: A Clinical Perspective
What happened in the pigeon coop that day gave rise to several unwanted identities that Joey had to integrate and heal from years later in therapy. His story illustrates core concepts from trauma psychology, shame research, and psychodynamic theory that are essential to understanding gay men's developmental experiences.
The Psychology of Unwanted Identities
From an object relations perspective, Joey's experience demonstrates what happens when a child's true self is repeatedly rejected and shamed. British psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott wrote about the "false self"—a defensive adaptation children develop when their authentic selves are not mirrored or accepted by caregivers and community.
For Joey, the authentic self—sensitive, creative, gentle, attracted to boys—was met with contempt, violence, and rejection. The message was clear: who you are is unacceptable. This creates what we call "unwanted identities"—aspects of ourselves we cannot integrate because they've been labeled as shameful, dangerous, or wrong.
Joey carried at least two major unwanted identities:
The "Sissy" - His authentic, effeminate, sensitive self that was targeted for elimination
The Murderer - The rageful, violent self capable of killing something he loved
Shame and the Fragmentation of Self
Brené Brown defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging." For young Joey, shame wasn't just a feeling—it was an ever-present knife in his gut, a constant state of waiting for the next humiliation.
From a Self Psychology perspective (Heinz Kohut), Joey experienced chronic empathic failures from every direction—peers, family, even his beloved grandmother. These failures to mirror and affirm his true self led to what Kohut called "fragmentation"—a breaking apart of the cohesive self-structure.
When children cannot get their core needs met for mirroring (being seen and valued), idealization (having strong figures to admire), and twinship (feeling like they belong with others like them), they develop compensatory strategies. Some children develop a grandiose false self. Others, like Joey, split off the "bad" parts and try desperately to prove they possess the "good" parts.
The Developmental Roots of Rage
Joey's explosive rage in the pigeon coop wasn't random or evidence of inherent violence. It was the inevitable result of accumulating developmental trauma.
By age seven, Joey had experienced countless instances of:
Physical intimidation from peers
Verbal abuse from family and community
Emotional neglect of his actual interests and needs
Invalidation of his core identity
Shaming of his authentic self-expression
Psychodynamically, we understand this rage as a defense against unbearable shame and helplessness. Joey's grandfather's comment—"only men do this, not little boys like you"—was the final blow. It activated all the accumulated shame and powerlessness, and Joey's psyche found one way to discharge it: by killing the thing he loved, thereby "proving" his masculinity.
This is what Kristin Neff calls the opposite of self-compassion. Instead of offering himself kindness in a moment of pain, Joey turned the violence inward and outward simultaneously—destroying both his beloved pigeon and his own sense of goodness.
Internalized Homophobia and Self-Attack
What Joey experienced is what many gay and bisexual men carry: internalized homophobia. This isn't just negative thoughts about being gay—it's the internalization of society's hatred into your own self-structure. The abuser's voice becomes your inner voice.
From an interpersonal psychotherapy standpoint, Joey's early relational experiences became templates for how he viewed himself and others. If everyone who should love you tells you that your authentic self is disgusting, you learn to attack that self, just as you've been attacked.
The pigeon became a proxy for Joey's own "sissy" self—the part he desperately wanted to kill off to survive in his hostile environment.
Joey's Journey to Healing: Embracing Unwanted Identities
Years later in therapy, Joey engaged in the courageous work of integrating his unwanted identities and healing from developmental trauma. Here's what he learned—in his own words:
Reclaiming "Sissy"
"I'll own being a sissy, but not with the negative connotations. I was just a little effeminate boy who was sensitive and caring. I didn't like roughhousing because I was so tiny and weak. I wasn't athletic, but I was smart. I just didn't have any outlets to explore my interests and desires. I felt different and later realized I was gay. I didn't know what my identity was, nor could I identify others like me.
I was born in a world that had little to offer a child like myself and not enough adults to understand my needs. All I was hearing was that I was bad, that my authenticity was not enough, that I was not enough. And I was terrified. I wanted nothing to do with that 'sissy' identity. It meant both physical and emotional pain. I could not embrace my true self. I had to try and hide it. It was dangerous, and the danger was real, and it cost me dearly.
Once I could embrace my sexuality, I could develop support networks for myself. I learned they didn't have to include family members. I could surround myself with others like me. I could also embrace those who accepted my authenticity even though they were different from me."
Integrating the Capacity for Rage
Joey also had to face the unwanted identity of being someone capable of killing something that meant so much to him. His anger in those early years had stockpiled. By age seven, his rage was such that he could destroy what he held most dear.
Integrating his unwanted identities and associated feelings of abuse and anger was something he had to own and come to terms with. Through this work, he:
Learned to forgive himself and others for the trauma of his childhood
Released the shame and humiliation of what he had done to his pigeon
Set appropriate boundaries with people who couldn't embrace his sexual orientation—including family
Learned to express feelings instead of stockpiling them
Developed confidence that although capable of rage, he would never again engage in such behavior because he now had healthier ways to assert himself
How We Help Gay and Bisexual Men Heal from Childhood Trauma
Joey's story is one I know intimately—because it's my story. I'm Joseph LaFleur, LCSW-C, founder of our DC-area practice specializing in LGBTQ+ mental health. I grew up in Southwest Louisiana, and I lived every moment of what you just read.
My journey from that traumatized seven-year-old to a licensed psychotherapist and certified Daring Way™ facilitator has taught me that healing is not only possible—it's transformative. And I've dedicated my career to helping other gay and bisexual men integrate their unwanted identities and reclaim their authentic selves.
Our Therapeutic Approach for Childhood Trauma and Shame
At our practice, we work with gay and bisexual men using an integrative approach that addresses the deep wounds of developmental trauma:
Psychodynamic and Object Relations Therapy:
Exploring how early relational experiences shaped your sense of self
Understanding the defensive structures you built to survive a hostile environment
Working toward integration of split-off parts of yourself
Developing a cohesive, authentic self that includes all your complexities
Self Psychology Framework:
Providing the empathic mirroring you never received as a child
Repairing empathic failures through consistent therapeutic attunement
Building healthy self-structures that support authentic living
Developing pride in who you are rather than shame
Shame Resilience (Brené Brown):
Identifying shame triggers and recognizing shame when it arises
Developing critical awareness of internalized homophobia
Building shame resilience through vulnerability and authentic connection
Cultivating "ordinary courage"—the willingness to be imperfect and real
Self-Compassion (Kristin Neff):
Learning to treat yourself with kindness rather than harsh judgment
Recognizing that your struggles are part of common humanity, not evidence of defectiveness
Developing mindful awareness of painful emotions without being consumed by them
Offering yourself the compassion you were denied as a child
Somatic Experiencing:
Working with the body's stored trauma responses
Releasing the physical tension and hypervigilance from years of threat
Reconnecting with your body as a safe home rather than something to be ashamed of
Interpersonal Therapy:
Creating new relational templates through the therapeutic relationship
Learning to assert your needs and set boundaries
Building healthy relationships based on authenticity rather than performance
Developing the capacity for both intimacy and appropriate self-protection
Daring Way™ and Rising Strong™ Intensive Retreats
In addition to individual therapy, I facilitate weekend intensive retreats based on Brené Brown's shame resilience research and methodology. As men, we have resilient stories to tell—but only if we choose to own them.
I'm continuously struck by the courage and vulnerability of the men and women who attend these retreats. I'm moved by the common humanity felt in them. In these groups, common humanity is no longer just a concept—it becomes warm, loving, compassionate, empathetic, energizing, and relieving. Even this description doesn't do it justice.
These are powerful experiences that provide the information and tools you need to be truly happy. Participants come away clear on what steps they need to take to live authentically and joyfully.
For Clinicians: Supervision and Training in LGBTQ+ Affirmative Practice
If you're a therapist working toward independent licensure or seeking to deepen your competency with LGBTQ+ clients—particularly gay and bisexual men dealing with childhood trauma and shame—our practice offers clinical supervision.
We provide training in:
Psychodynamic, interpersonal, and self psychology frameworks
Shame resilience and self-compassion approaches
Working with internalized homophobia and unwanted identities
Trauma-informed care for LGBTQ+ populations
Somatic experiencing and body-centered approaches
Psychedelic integration therapy
We also offer contract positions for licensed and pre-licensed clinicians seeking to work in an LGBTQ+-affirming, innovative practice environment where you can accumulate clinical hours while receiving ongoing consultation and support.
You Don't Have to Carry These Unwanted Identities Alone
If Joey's story resonated with you—if you recognize the sissy, the rage, the shame, the desperate attempts to prove you were enough—I want you to know that healing is possible.
You don't have to keep that knife in your stomach. You don't have to carry the shame of who you were told you should be. You don't have to fear the parts of yourself that developed in response to trauma.
Through compassionate, skilled therapy grounded in depth psychology and shame resilience, you can:
Integrate your unwanted identities with self-compassion
Release the internalized homophobia that keeps you from fully embracing yourself
Heal the wounds of childhood trauma and developmental failures
Build a life based on authenticity rather than performance
Develop healthy relationships with yourself and others
Find your community and sense of belonging
Ready to Begin Your Healing Journey?
Our DC/DMV-area practice specializes in working with gay and bisexual men who are ready to face their unwanted identities and reclaim their authentic selves. Whether you're struggling with childhood trauma, internalized shame, relationship issues, or simply want to live more fully, we're here to help.
Take the next step: Complete our confidential contact form to schedule a consultation. Let's explore together how therapy—and potentially a Daring Way™ or Rising Strong™ retreat—can support you in living the life you deserve.
You are not too much. You are not not enough. You are worthy of love and belonging, exactly as you are.
References and Further Reading
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Random House.
Kohut, H. (1971). The Analysis of the Self: A Systematic Approach to the Psychoanalytic Treatment of Narcissistic Personality Disorders. University of Chicago Press.
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
Winnicott, D. W. (1960). The theory of the parent-infant relationship. International Journal of Psycho-Analysis, 41, 585-595.
Keywords: gay therapy DC, childhood trauma therapy, internalized homophobia, shame resilience gay men, LGBTQ therapy DMV, bisexual men counseling, psychodynamic therapy Washington DC, Daring Way retreats, clinical supervision Virginia Maryland, sissy shame, gay men rage, developmental trauma LGBTQ
About the Author: Joseph LaFleur, LCSW-C, is a licensed psychotherapist and certified Daring Way™ facilitator practicing in Washington, D.C. He specializes in working with gay and bisexual men dealing with shame, trauma, and identity integration. He provides individual therapy, clinical supervision, and facilitates intensive weekend retreats focused on shame resilience and authentic living.
